One of the greatest lessons I’ve ever learned about being a top performer came from boot camp.
Full disclosure, I was a young actor at the time and cast as a heroic soldier, fighting shoulder-to-shoulder with my platoon during the Vietnam War (let’s just say it wasn’t a rom-com). During the rehearsal process, our director decided it would help us understand the psychological conditions these soldiers faced if we were to go through boot camp. I know what you might be thinking, and no, this wasn’t “boot camp light” for actors, or your local health club’s “boot camp” fitness class – this was full on legit army boot camp.
For those of you who have not had the pleasure (or horror) of participating in an army boot camp, let me break it down for you. Basically, the conditions are designed to push you to the outermost edges of your physical and psychological limits. Think of it like a pressure cooker for the human spirit. The ultimate goal being to re-program your brain’s wiring so that when faced with perceived danger, extreme fear or fatigue, your determination stays strong, and you don’t default to your amygdala’s natural instinct to fight, flee or freeze.
To help with this cognitive reprogramming, there was one simple rule – no matter how exhausted, how starving, how defeated, or how helpless you felt, there was ABSOLUTELY NO LEANING. You can imagine that after 24 hours of sleep deprivation, malnutrition and physical exhaustion, there was nothing more tempting than the relief of a single moment’s rest by giving your weight over to gravity, or a nearby wall.
Although this felt like a special kind of torture at the time, there is actually cognitive method to this madness. Stay with me for a moment… when you lean, you are sending a clear physical message to your brain reinforcing the thought, “I can no longer support myself”. The more times you reinforce this thought by leaning, the more neurological cement you are laying between the bricks of this self-limiting belief. It’s like they say, “neurons that fire together, wire together”, and a belief is just a thought you keep repeating. We used to think that our brains were fully developed after adolescence, but we now know that our brains are incredibly malleable and constantly changing depending on our environment (referred to as neuroplasticity). Therefore, you can rewire the brain by having the desire to lean, not reinforcing it physically, and telling yourself a new thought, such as, “I can do this, I am strong”. Eventually, your default thought becomes one of resilience – not weakness. This reprogramming was so impactful for me that to this day, I will still have the instinct to lean but immediately (like Pavlov’s dogs) a new thought emerges that I am strong, and my body responds with strength. This goes to show you how powerful these neural pathways are when they are still shaping my behaviour nearly 20 years later.
What does all of this have to do with being a top performer? After almost 1500 hours of professional coaching and seeing the difference between those who managed to achieve their goals, and those who struggle to move the needle in meaningful ways, one thing has become crystal clear to me - COMPLAINING is the mental version of LEANING.
Why Complaining is a Silent Killer.
Complaining seems to have become a cultural epidemic. Research shows that a third of all employees will spend an average of 20 hours a month complaining – or listening to others complain. Perhaps more shocking, recent studies have shown that for some of us, a complaint is made every minute during casual conversations. Why should we be concerned? Every time you complain (much like leaning in my boot camp example), you are reinforcing the internal belief that you are not at the center of control in your experience and success. Complaining also reinforces a victim mindset in which the self-limiting belief starts to form that you are uniquely disadvantaged. If failure wasn’t reason enough to put the mental breaks on complaining, researchers from Stanford University have proven that compulsive complaining diminishes your problem-solving abilities. There is also the immediate consequence of increased cortisol levels (stress hormone) that if chronic, leads to a weakened immune system, increased odds of diabetes, heart disease and high cholesterol. Wowza! And here we just thought it was a bummer to be around a Debbie Downer.
How to Stop the Habit.
The challenge with complaining is that it feels so good, and can become addictive. But much like any unhealthy habit, it’s just that – a habit. Here are a few simple but powerful techniques to help stop this disempowering habit dead in its tracks.
Gratitude – The minute you notice the initial complaint forming in your head, take a deep breath and consider what you’re grateful for in the situation. Focusing your neurological energy on what’s going well and what the potential gift of this situation might be will go miles towards reprogramming the brain’s default instinct to complain.
Grant me the wisdom to know the difference – There are certain things we can control and there are certain things we can’t. If we have the wisdom to know the difference, we don’t waste vital life energy complaining about those things that we have no control over. Focusing on what is out of our control leads to disempowerment, lack of creative problem solving, and ultimately, frustration (and thus more complaining). Ask yourself, “What about this situation is in my control?” or “what do I have power over in this situation?”
Wish behind the complaint – Behind every complaint is a secret wish or desire. Think about it, if you’re complaining about your lack of free time, on the flip side is the hidden desire to find more balance in your life. Or, if you’re complaining about your manager’s inefficiencies, there is a veiled wish for more support. The only useful part of a complaint is that it will point you towards what you most want to create more of in your life. Your energy is best spent focused on manifesting the underlying desire – and not focusing on the complaint itself.
Get loud about it- If you’re a chronic complainer, I would challenge you to tell a trusted group of people around you (from both your personal and professional life) that you are working on becoming more positive and that you invite them to kindly point out to you when you have defaulted back into your old pattern of complaining.
Birds of a feather – Identify and acknowledge who in your life is depleting your energy by complaining – they are like secondhand smoke and will eventually negatively impact you. Next, when the sad trombone starts to play and the flood gates open on their complaints, instead of indulging them with a sympathetic head nod, you can support them by asking, “how would you like this to be?” or “how could you see this in a more positive light?”
Talk TO, not ABOUT people – This golden nugget came to me from Brené Brown who pointed out how much productivity is wasted by gossiping about other people and commiseration - and we do love a good drama! Gossiping is a communal form of complaining and can lead to a culture that is bankrupt in trust. A great way to shift a complaining culture to an empowered one is to make the commitment that from this moment forward, we will only talk TO, and not ABOUT people.
Sneaky Buggers.
Even the most positive among us can find ways to complain without even realizing it. As a coach, I am passionate about the power of language and always try to align my words with my intention (to ensure that the right neurons are wiring together). Here are some subtle ways that we complain and recommendations on more empowering language:
“I GET to go to work today” (instead of) “I HAVE to go to work today”
“I’m facing a lot of opportunity right now” (instead of) “I’m SO busy”
“I’m open to more support” (instead of) “I DON’T get the support I need”
No Leaning.
In short, how you perceive the world around you and the thoughts you choose to empower in any situation will determine whether you are fusing together a neurological netting of growth mindset, or the life-depleting mesh of a fixed mindset. One thing is certain; complaining will buy you a one-way ticket to unhappiness. At first gradually, but then seemingly suddenly, one disempowered thought after another, success becomes increasingly elusive and you end up wondering how you can never seem to get ahead while others around you flourish.
In the spirit of boot camp, the next time a complaint enters your head, do 20 pushups and remember, “NO LEANING”.
